I did my Chinese oral project on one of the famed beauties of China, Xi Shi, whose name is comically infamous for being impossible for Cantonese people like me to pronounce. I did not realize this until I did my presentation.

I must wonder.

Why the hell are Chinese emperors so damn easy to seduce? It seems to be an oft repeated and valid military tactic in ancient China to send a foreign king a beautiful woman as a "gift" to "distract him from affairs of state." I can see this would go over well nowadays. ("Your mission.. seduce George Bush!") You'd think after a few thousand years these kings would learn to be less easily distracted. Or perhaps the enemies of the state psychologically analyzed the target for easily distractable tendencies, like eating people's poo. Oh, wait. That's the guy who's sending Xi Shi. Okay, then the guy who's getting his state destroyed must be a TOTAL maniac.

Supposedly, when Xi Shi walked past, fish would sink to the bottom of the pool because they weren't good enough for her reflection, and flying geese would fall out of the sky stunned by her beauty, and half-bloomed flowers would close up again and the moon would cover itself in clouds because they were ashamed that her beauty was so much greater than theirs. She wouldn't make a very good werewolf. Which makes me think, that those descriptions would be more apt for a real UGLY woman... Though that must be a very good deal for a poor washer woman because you could eat roast goose every day. You know.. she takes a nice walk by the woods.. ladeedadeeda.. and... FREE POULTRY! Excellent! Instead of moving up in the world by the very dubious method of being the king's concubine, she can just open up a fried goose chain store, like KFC except it'd be YFG- YueFriedGoose. Though I think that her being a Beauty and everything wouldn't alow her to eat anything except like, a piece of lettuce every day. I must wonder though, when she's washing clothes in Washer's Stream, does the dirt flee the laundry just at the touch of her hand? That'd be extremely convenient. They never talk about things like that in books- they have a Xi Shi cosmetics line already so I think it'd be very informative to learn, so that we can come up with a Xi Shi laundry detergent.

Maybe that's why she's famous for having stomachaches all the time... too much damn goose. Eat some vegetables, woman!

Man. and you thought a thousand ships was somethin'!

And today, friends, in AP Calculus with Kristen and Julia and Marianna, we talked about midget strippers.

Quote of two days ago: "Who cares about the World Cup? No one! What seperates humans from animals? Their opposable thumbs! You can't use opposable thumbs in soccer! You could teach cows to play soccer!"

-Mr. Willard

"Santiago Nassar finally knew that they were out to get him when he spotted the Mandalorian bounty hunter stationed outside of his house."

Yesterday, I thought a piece and sour chicken looked so much like a manatee that I was extremely disturbed while eating it. ("Noo, nooo! Not the manatee!")

What the hell am I on???? Am I always this nuts in school? I sweartogod..

You know what disturbs me? Guys who are disturbingly good looking. I don't mean just like, blindingly matching-sweater-from-Milan good looking, but like, obscenely good looking. Real guys, as far as I know, are kind of mishapen and lopsided, like potatoes, and forget to shave over the course of several days and have razor nicks and have really hairy legs when you can see them when they're wearing shorts and drink milk out of the carton and tend to scratch places they shouldn't. So stylish guys disturb me, because they seem less than real, like a conglomeration of everyone's ideals of what a guy should look like into one face and body, leaving features that aren't disagreeable to anyone but aren't distinguished either. Sort of like the woman on the phone who goes "The number you have dialed...".. her voice is nice, pleasant sounding, and nobody grates at the sound of her voice, but it's so... blegh. No matter how much manly stubble and scars-running-down-the-cheekbone-s you give Ben Affleck so he can be a mighty action hero or whatever, he still looks like a cardboard prettyboy who I wouldn't trust in the cockpit of an airplane because he'd be too busy looking at his reflection in the dashboard. It's like a robot or an alien, dude! Not a single hair out of place! Especially bishonnen anime guys, who not only are way too stylish for their own good, but literally are a conglomeration of everyone's ideals of what a guy should look like into one face and body. Like Darien from Sailor Moon. What in fucking hell could get a 17 year old boy (who's disproportionally drawn so that he's really leggy) to wear tuxedos and tophats for fun and throw roses at people???? Some people get all dreamy eyed over him, but Jesus, he creeps me out!

Note: Treize Khushrenada does not count. The 17th century clothes are for.. um.. well c'mon, everyone in Gundam Wing wears weird clothes and he's Grand Duke of something so he's excused. Plus, he has forked eyebrows and he watches opera and he fences and he flies giant robots. And his voice actor sounds like he has laryngitis. And he rants about God and humanity and the universe and has strange ideas on honorable warfare. Which makes him automatically cool.

What did medieval people do without shorts? Did they wear those funky tunics without pants underneath like Prince Valiant?

Ok. NOW I'm going to sleep.