Marital state

This is an unexaggerated account of my strange emotional shit from last night. I never heard of it happening to anyone before me. I trust we are all mature adults.
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So last night I came home from fencing and was depressed. This was triggered by an offhand discussion about condoms; Jeremy said he didn't need any because his conditions still hold. I had been happy for the last few days because I thought he'd changed his mind, so this made me quiet and disappointed. Jeremy thought I was tired and tucked me into bed, and then he went back out into the common room of the suite to play Mage. I didn't want to be alone and when he was leaving I thought to him Please don't close the door all the way but he closed the door all the way so it was dark. I sat up on the bed with my thoughts swarming around in my head and bouncing off the inside of my skull. I began punching the mattress in frustration and ripping up the pillows (unsuccessfully). The phone rang. I went back to "sleep." Jeremy came to answer the phone. It was his parents. I was angry at him for impinging upon my pillow punching and wanted him to leave. He finished his phone conversation, hung up, kissed me on the forehead, and went back outside.

I couldn't stand being alone, but every time I thought of him it hurt (even in a physical way, which shocked me) and my nerve endings screamed. (That feeling you get after you've broken up with someone and it hurts to think about him, which is weird because we're still quite together) I wanted to think of something else but couldn't think of anything else. The words My conditions still hold hurt the most and though I thought the more I repeated them in my head the more desensitized I'd get, the more I thought about them the more they hurt. This confused me because a lot of boys are abstinent and it doesn't make their girlfriends upset. I mean, if a boy were upset over his girlfriend not having sex people would just pass him off as horny. But I know I'm not the only girl in this situation. You can't do that; you can't do everything except for sex which is supposed to be the thing that ties and man and a woman together, and then go, "Oh, it doesn't matter, it doesn't count, it's not real sex." Because if we can't have sex, what is it we've been doing for the last... month? You can't go nearly there and not all the way there like, "Oh, whoops, my bad" like taking back a chess move or stopping a freight train on a dime or undoing what you did.

I have no idea what I'm talking about but all I know is how I feel.

I passed out sometime in the night.

At two in the morning Jeremy climbed back into bed. I realized I had fallen asleep. I went to sleep again.

At around five twenty in the morning I woke up hazily to some strange boy asleep by my side. I thought it was Jose but I said to myself "I don't care" and leaned forward to kiss him, but woke up fully and realized it was Jeremy, duh, who else would it be, and what the hell was I doing? I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and was disturbed. I wondered if it was rather arbitrary that I picked Jeremy over Jose (now with the revelation that they were both making moves on me at the same time) and if it wasn't detrimental that I've never really talked to Jeremy as just a friend. I wondered if I really loved Jeremy and what our relationship was built upon, or if I just believed I loved him because I was afraid not to. I washed my hands and watched Jeremy sleeping under the light of the window, but the last thing I wanted then was to go back into that bed. I cowered by the sink with my back to the wall for half an hour. I thought I could maybe go back to Chesapeake or call up Jose or Lori but that was dumb and after a time I went back into bed. I at first slept facing the wall facing the corner of the room but that was where I had piled all my pain earlier in the night so it was still there. I turned over and held Jeremy and was comforted by his sleeping closeness, but he rolled over away from me and I cried into his shirt for his forgiveness. He rolled over again sometime later to face me and opened his eyes but he was asleep and neither saw nor heard nor felt me there. I watched his face which was there but I might as well have been alone and I pondered poking him to wake him up so that he could see me cry. Isn't that the dumbest thing in the whole world? So I let him sleep because I didn't want him to hurt for me just so I could feel better. I went to sleep too.

He woke me up at 11 am after he'd come back from class and we lay there for a while on the bed awake but resting. We actually got out of bed around 12 and went to lunch. During casual conversation (on a totally unrelated topic) he said I maintain my theory and I flinched because it sounded so much like, My conditions still hold.

"What are you thinking?" he said. He said I looked half spaced out again.

The Cause of My Antisocial Activity and Emotional Detachment

SFX 87: when you almost have sex but don't have sex it feels like shit.
ADurfor: ah, ok. so it was just an emotional let down
SFX 87: yeah,
SFX 87: so that's why I'm bummed
ADurfor: there are 2 schools of though on this
SFX 87: (There! Not that complicated!)
ADurfor: ah, so your fixed?
SFX 87: no.
ADurfor: what was that "(There! Not that complicated!)" about then?
SFX 87: when it comes down to it what I'm feeling isn't that complicated
ADurfor: true
ADurfor: its the same depression i get after dart guns
SFX 87: it's basically "I had an emotional letdown over not having sex." Of course there's more detail to it but that's basically it
ADurfor: yep
ADurfor: i have the same thing after a dart gun fight
SFX 87: and not so much about not having sex as the fact that we won't ever be having sex ever.
ADurfor: wait, no sex ever?
SFX 87: No sex til marriage. Am I marrying him? Probably not
SFX 87: (unless he means no sex until we marry other people. Which is just weird. :P)
ADurfor: smart to recognize that
ADurfor: well, isn't the not sex good enough?
SFX 87: I guess.
ADurfor: well, you have 2 paths ahead
SFX 87: (Andrew, has anyone ever told you about talking to girls?)
SFX 87: (They want sympathy, not advice)
ADurfor: yes actually people did talk to me about that
SFX 87: well don't give me advice
SFX 87: I'm not going to have sex with him, things will continue as normal, and that's that.
ADurfor: sounds good
ADurfor: well, you've set your course, now sail it
ADurfor: and i know i'm horrible at cherring people up
SFX 87: indeed.
SFX 87: work on that, all right?
SFX 87: The girl is always right. Even when she's wrong.
ADurfor: nah, it would give me people skills
SFX 87: It's chivalrous, like opening doors and whatnot
ADurfor: but see, if you fix the girl by giving a logical reasonable path of choice
SFX 87: you can't *fix* a girl
SFX 87: you can't fix a guy either
ADurfor: true
ADurfor: but you can fix individual problems
SFX 87: mmm.. no
ADurfor: by breaking down into smaller problems, and then look at all possible solutions
ADurfor: and pick one
ADurfor: thats how i order my life
ADurfor: btw, the girl is right only when she has a logical argument w/ ordered progression of steps
ADurfor: same w/ the guy
ADurfor: logic decides who is right and wrong
ADurfor: wizards 6th rule
SFX 87: the girl is always right when you are talking to her
SFX 87: she will believe what she wants to believe. Wizard's first rule
ADurfor: but all of the wizards rules rotate around the 6th, its the hub that makes them work
SFX 87: oh, hell, whatever
ADurfor: now you see y i'm not a good bf
SFX 87: if you want to be a good bf, stop reading Terry Goodkind for Christ's sake. :-)
ADurfor: hmmm, i'd have to say that between terry goodkind and gf, terry goodkind wins

No Party Like a Hobbit Party

Lords of the Rhymes

Kouroi

Jeremy and Greek archaeology class bring to me a new sense of appreciation for the male nude and the things I see in bronze and marble echoed in flesh.

Subwoofing

Andrew from downstairs helped me set up my subwoofer, so now my music sounds so much better. Listening to Rammstein without a woofer is like fucking someone without a dick. It just doesn't work.

BTW, went to UMBC Writers' Guild's first meeting. We did this handy little writing exercise, which was to write anything with the phrase 'red and nodding' in it. Here's mine... I realized afterwards that it does kind of double as a blog post. It's kind of stream of consciousness, seeing as that it was written in ten minutes. Unlike someone else's there, this is not a rant against liberal America.
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It's around this time of year when people fall into a deep dark rut, a deep blue funk, when people start and keep on (through inertia) cranking at the handle of their daily grind. Coffee in the morning work in the afternoon, food and cofee at night and then maybe sleep and dreams uneasily as the world goes round. People watch the geese fly south (away from here) and feed ducks breakfast muffins at the coffee colored pond (expresso) and ask the red and nodding leaves of autumn what we should do, but of course all they say is yes, so they keep on going, back to grinding. I told my boyfriend once (while we were playing Sattergories to kill our time and grind away the time) that while 'grinder' starts with the letter G, it is not a thing. There are meat grinders coffee grinders maybe but in itself there is no such thing as just a grinder. We would've stopped arguing, but there's nothing better to do, and he goes and puts a pot of black like night coffee on the illegal heating plate.

When the Poo Spirit Moves Me

Friday was Halloween, which meant Sam dressed normally. Jeremy dressed up as Larva from Vampire Princess Miyu. He painted his mask himself. We skulked around various dorm buildings, with him following behind me wordlessly, masked and in a hooded black robe. We managed to creep a lot of people out.

It was also Mary's Halloween party at the apartment, which was Harry Potter themed in decor. This resulted in us eating candy from a dead unicorn (paper mache). Because it was mostly a fencers' party this resulted in bizarre incidents such as Death dueling Jesus in saber. Death had a costume with glowing red LED lights for eyes, but the batteries died. Mostly we watched the Princess Bride, making appropriate D&D themed commentary ("Tumble check!" "Buttercup has an int of 15 but a wisdom of 6..." "Intimidate" "Failed 'detect motive' ") which annoyed Mary to no end until she ended up busting a cap with a plastic pistol.

I spent the night with Jeremy, but Niall was outside the room, for some reason or another, howling and yelling in an exaggerated manner, "You are sinnahs... in the eyes of the Lawd!"

Which was something of a deterent.

The costumed fencing continued on into Saturday practice with Legolas vs the Dread Pirate Roberts (cloak and foil vs foil and dagger), Jesus vs Legolas, Link vs Link, and Link vs Jesus. Jesus triumphed in every match. Jeremy (uncostumed) fenced double daggers, and as usual, was sexy while doing it, since they are his best weapon (even better than epee). I am at that stage in fencing where I am bad enough at foil to still suck at it, but good enough at foil where my foil habits make me bad at epee. You lose some, you lose some.

I introduced Jeremy to my parents and went home Saturday night. My mom said he looked younger than she thought he would; when she was my age seniors looked a lot older to her. She can't get over his hairstyle, how it's parted evenly in the middle and slightly 19th century. I noticed this the first time I met him and then forgot about it, but it's like the only thing my mom remembers about him. They have cute nicknames* for him and his hair, neither of which are translatable from Chinese. I guess nicknames are good though, seeing as my parents can pronounce neither his first nor last name. ("Like the thing you use to cut your grass...") Also it's really fucking embarrassing how much they like him: "He stands so straight! You should have posture like him!" "He has muscles like steel cables!" -_- *sweatdrop* Please let me die.

Anyway. At home I realized that I was starving for mental stimulation outside of D&D and anime; I spent the weekend ravenously reading the Post and Newsweek and Electronic Gaming Monthly for hours on end. I've brought back my stack of National Geographic and Smithsonian mags.

*Nickname for him is "Gezi," which literally translates to "little big brother." "Ge" is the word for an older brother, whereas "Di" is the word for younger brother. "Di" can also be used as a term of address for a little boy; in similar fashion, "Ge" can also be used as a term of address for a young man, or a male buddy. "Zi" is the dimunitive; therefore "Gezi" is like... a young guy pal? "Young buddy" I guess... Nickname for his hair (this isn't something they made up, it's an actual term in Chinese apparently) is "da xiao bien bu fen" which literally means "big and small side are indistinguishable" aka he parts his hair in the middle so one side isn't bigger than the other. The pun on this is that "da bien," literally translated as "the big side," also means to poo, and "xiao bien," "the small side," also means to piss.

I'm sure Niall and his scat jokes were there in spirit.