I'm reading Abbie's blog. I'm thinking, that it's good to have faith in something. It doesn't matter what it is, just have faith in something. For me, it's the belief in the inherent goodness in humanity and the perserverence of the human spirit. It's been my life raft among other things, because I think I've systematically dismantled every belief system thrown at me except for that one. I'm reading her blog, and I'm thinking that once upon a time I felt the same overwhelming exhaustion and the same cry for redemption of some sort. It wasn't any sort of rebellious martyrdom, just a feeling of being incredibly tired of the world, and seeking the clarity of escapist fantasy, like actually having things like true love, pure evil, true friends, true freedom, true loyalty, and real purpose, instead of so many sickening shades of gray. I don't think I've really stopped- I just found more of those things in the world I live in, so I find I'm not half as tired anymore as I would make myself to think.

I try not to be irrational in my ranting. I find that it does me no good, no matter where I am, people will judge me, not based on the intensity of my emotions but the quality of my reason. I get the rep online of being "heartless girl" or whatever, which I find to be amusing. The reason I, and people in general, blog, I think, is to seek some sort of approval, admiration or pity from other people which I might not elict otherwise. Will it work? Probably not. I don't care, I'm blogging anyways. But I do care. So. Cry, people. Wallow in my angst. I will be satisfied.


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Have you ever seen anything catch on fire? Well, I don't mean, like, anything. I mean, like, a building catch on fire. When I was going to see Fools, on the way, Party Land was on fire. Like, literally a wall of fire, the back side wall of Party Land. And a van parked next to it. I don't know, I've never seen anything on fire, besides a van by the side of a road once. I mean, really on fire. Destructive fire. Not fireplace, chemistry or movie fire. It was on fucking fire. I'm fairly sheltered; I've only seen a handful of violent things firsthand in my lifetime, so I guess I'm lucky. My friend's dad was driving along Rockville Pike, and we saw a whole bunch of red and blue lights from police cars and fire trucks flashing in the middle of the night, and plumes of smoke and water being illuminated by.. I don't know. Something. I expected to cause to be some stupid trash can blaze,or the fire to be out and smoldering. Well, we pass this curve in the road, and the fucking building is on fire. My friend told me there probably wasn't anyone in it. I was pretty sure there wasn't anyone in it. I don't know why I was so sure at the time.. now I think that I'm sure that there was no one in it, because it's a small, one storey store. There wouldn't have been old, handicapped, sleeping or feebly sick people in there. Employees and customers can just run 30 feet or so the front or back door. But I think the reason why I was so sure at the time is that I don't think I could have on a good conscience gone on and enjoyed a play after watching people in a building burn. I never thought that things could.. actually catch on fire. Only on the news or in movies. You'd think that after 9/11 I would start thinking of everything as possible, but I guess some people never learn.

The Bivalves piss me off. They're stealing all my friends.

I WAS going to blog yesterday, but the blogger site was down. Sucky. I should learn a few things about humility. PuffyAndrew&Rob wiped me and Alex's collective asses with their project. SUCK!

Alex, you owe me balsa wood. I'm going to see Fools. Tonight. Fear me.

I'm blogging today. Three days later. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to blog everyday.

I hate my body. It's too high maintenance. I wish I could be a perfect Asimovian robot or something. Dentists are evil. I happen to not enjoy swallowing my own blood. It's a bodily fluid that doesn't belong there. I don't mind temporary pain, like taking a shot, but dentist appointments are an hour of evil. Brush. Teeth. Better. If I remember after this week.

http://www.songbirdcry.com/Lighthouse.htm Songs don't usually make me want to cry, but this one's very sad.

Calculus is actually becoming useful. Last year David said it would, but I didn't believe him. Speaking of Puffy, Seth cut his hair. I'm traumatized.

I'm rather enjoying math now. Because I'm a freak. And physics.

Willard's Halloween bash was a lot better than one most ravers could throw. BLUE RING OF FIRE!! FOOOOOSH! HOO-AH! I think I'll do that trick with AILD.

I finally found out why I consider Andrew P to be oddly fascinating. It's this. I can't stick him into a category. You'd think I'd know a whole bunch of types of guy dorks by now. Like there's the Political Guy Nerd, and the Dramatic Shakespearean With Literary Ambitions Guy Nerd, and the WarWarWAR!! Guy Nerd, and the Gaming & Card Games & Hobby Shop Guy Nerd and the OTAKU OTAKU anime Guy Nerd and the HistoryFreak Guy Nerd and the ILoveMathDuuuuhh Guy Nerd, the Computer Programming Guy Nerd and the Creepy Stalker Guy Nerd and the JustPlainUgly Guy Nerd. Andrew P (I should just call him Andrew, since there's only one) is... I have no idea. He's like... Foolish Mortal I Will Damn Your Soul Guy Nerd.