I'm kind of discouraged. You'd think with everything over, I'd be happy, but I don't really feel anything. I just don't know what to do. Elation never besets me at the end of events... I start feeling happy maybe two weeks into the middle of the summer when everyone else just starts to get bored.

I will quote Malex from his blog, who was paraphrasing quoting me.. a roundabout way of expressing myself which is kind of like trying to move around in a room by only watching reflections in a mirror. But I haven't a better way to say it or rather, since I think we all could write beautifully if we so chose, I don't care quite enough right now to really say what I mean.

"I don't want a job. I shall sit and have a Zen Summer. Summer is peaceful. I have no desires and no tasks."

I think I'm the only one like that. I don't know. But right now, the petty and the boring things fill my life like graininess in film, so that I can neither feel nor think as purely and passionately as I wish.

I've started reading books again, for fun. It may help. Am reading "Deerskin" by Robin McKinley which is kind of creepy.. it's disturbing in that I can't quite figure out what's disturbing about it so that everytime I try to figure it out it makes less sense like shadows in the corner of your eye that flick away when you look at them. It's a very girly book- it's about a princess, and therefore so far, princessy things. No action so to speak of but the suspense comes in not quite knowing where that dissonant and off-kilter feeling comes from of things being not quite right. There's a queen who is the most beautiful woman in the world beloved by all her people, and the great love for her by her husband, and it's a beautiful story but of course the queen dies of illness and it's all very classical and tragic. Except it's also very very creepy. Because beauty itself is a form of power except that very few people think to recognize it as such (especially men who think of power in very concrete terms, but that's a gross generalization). And any woman who captures the feverish and almost demonic adoration and rapture of a crowd has raised herself to godhead, and it seems to me at least just a wee bit creepy anyone who'd indulge and wallow in it and quietly cultivate her own cult of personality and wrap her entire self into her identity as the most beautiful woman of the seven kingdoms, even after death. Yeah, just a wee bit creepy. And perhaps the princess is afraid of growing up to look just like her mother because she will, in the course of that development, become her mother and the most beautiful woman in the seven kingdoms, but lose herself in all the false idolatry and the love of a nation directed towards someone who she is not. But of course the queen was wise and virtuous by all accounts, if the NPCs are to be believed, and though everyone in the book finds the queen kind of creepy, nobody will ever admit to thinking it because We All Love the Queen, right?

The beginning chapters are told by narration so that the story is told, not shown, so that you never get a sense that the characters are real people instead of people out of a book or song, as you hear of their amazing feats and vows of love and astounding beauty and eccentric last wishes ... but never really know who they are (except for the people of the Sixth Kingdom who are mentioned briefly but disparaged by most people as being poor and stupid, but personally I think that anyone who makes quilts by hand and jam preserves and remembers to give puppies to little girls for their birthdays, and any king who'd rather settle for a kind and loving, though thick-legged, wife over The Most Beautiful Woman in the Seven Kingdoms, and any prince who's willing to muck about in his own kennels and write his own letters personally can't be all that bad and sound a whole lot better than all this Love and Death and Eternal Vows craziness). But as you get further in, the narrator and trappings of fairy tale lyricism begin to fall away until all you get is the viewpoint of the princess, which is rather like that of a teenage girl of any era, and warm and comforting in that way. But when the 'high style' of the early chapters manifests itself on occasion the creepiness level rises and I think around the corner I will find with the high passion and turmoil and tragedy also deep madness and violence to come...

But.. this is purely a guess behind the motivations of random characters, and a whole nation of fictional people, so that I'm psychoanalyzing a crowd. How rare it is that fantasy makes you think about what it means.

Saw Spiderman with Malex at my house. Thought it was stupider the second time around, or at least when it's not on the big screen. Found again, though, that the teenage awkwardness was very endearing.

Something ELSE:

I think the whole flower thing is rather absurd, given that one person has ordered. That in itself is not unusual; I had nine cards.. so one in nine ordered, which I think is a better number of buyers to number of advertisements ratio than many products, including spam mail where the number of buyers to number of advertisement rate is like one in a million. So that is not strange at all. But if you think about it, the cost of printing all those business cards (the cost of the paper alone is probably prohibitive) and the time spent in coming up with the list is probably much greater than what all the profits gained by an $8 flower is worth. And of course we must subtract the cost of the actual flower, the ordering and delivery.. It's worse than minimal wage, it is. It makes me think that people complaining about the greed of businesses perhaps don't remember that most of the time businesses seem to be a highly unprofitable venue.

Beyond Imaginations, Inc.
Prom 2003

Boutonnieres (with greenery)
One Rose $8
Two Roses $12
One Vanda Hybrid Orchid* $10
Three Vanda Hybrid Orchids* $14

Corsages (with greenery, assorted flowers and ribbon)
One Rose $12
Two Roses $16
Two Vanda Hybrid Orchids* $14
Three Vanda Hybrid Orchids* $16

Wrist Corsages (with greenery, assorted flowers and ribbon)
Two Roses $18
Three Roses $22
Three Vanda Hybrid Orchids* $20
Four Vanda Hybrid Orchids* $24

*See sample orchid boutonniere on the front of the brochure.

Please place your order with Angela before 3 pm on May 21, 2003 (Wednesday). For roses, specify a color such as red, pink, yellow, vanilla, etc. For orchids, choose red or purple only. If you are interested in designs besides those listed above, please contact us directly.

Oh, ja. "See sample orchid boutonniere on the front of the brochure" if I gave you a brochure. Obviously, if I didn't give you one you'll just have to go to the website to get an idea of what's there, or use your imagination. ^__^

Also: Totally random, but I am watching the Matrix with Nick B sometime on Wednesday, probably after school. Talk to me about that too.

Leave orders here, or by AIM, by e-mail, and by phone if you have my number. If you don't... well, I'm not putting my number out online.

Prom Peeps, Read

My sister Stella arranges boutonnieres and corsages and whatnot. Please buy from her if you're into that stuff for prom anyhow. On a side note, it's kind of amusing that all the pictures on the website are from Maggie's wedding, and I still have some of the silk flowers lying around my house somewhere if you want an actual example, but anyhow. They are very nice, but I'm partial.

Boutonnieres starting at $8
Corsages starting at $12
Wrist corsages starting from $18
Hand-Held Nosegays starting from $25

My sister and the main designer are coming up with a list of popular designs and prices so that if you want something from there you can just tell me instead of having to call them, write a check to Beyond Imaginations Inc., and I'll make your orders for you and give you your flowers at Tragara's. If you have something more specific in mind that's not on the list, you can call at (301) 603-8997, or fax at (301) 603-8816.

I have nice and colorful business cards too that I'll annoyingly pass out to people tomorrow. Malex and Silvia have already been inflicted with them.

(There. I've done my family duty. Ever so helpful as always.)

I changed my template, because while the rounded corners and messed up html were cute, I'd like to be able to put a bunch of links on the side of my blog. Whereas in my old template all my links were on top, so you had to scroll past them to see my posts. Also, Lizzie made her new blog with my old template, so...

Though for old time's sake you can see the old template in my archives, and of course, there's still messed up html.

CBS' "Hitler: The Rise of Evil" is on. I wish it had aired before the history test... I am now intimately acquainted with Hitler's rise to power, up to 1934. But perhaps I will appreciate the show more.