For a space of time between September 2007 and May 2008, I was catechized into the Roman Catholic faith in a series of hour-long classes in basic theology taught on Sunday evenings to a group of three or four college-aged catechists. Also, angels were born, God made, bread and wine turned into the Body and Blood. I was baptized and confirmed.

I find in telling people about it that the recounting differs depending on the audience. I tell atheists or non-Christians something like, “It was the religion I saw in the movies,” or “I graduated and was unemployed for a period of time and wanted to give myself purpose.” These are true, but wholy insufficient. Christian audiences get something like this, emotive and experiential "testimonies." These latter examples are also wholly insufficient because they fail to capture both the friction, humor, and the controntationalism involved in my conversion.

Two years ago I would looked you in the eye and said, “Prove to me the soul exists,” the soul being like phlogiston. Fire burns and people love, but that proves neither the soul nor phlogiston. Among atheists, if you think an invisible entity exists you’ve gone quite mad. For a while when I was learning to pray in a small (kind of weird) praise and worship group, I felt I was babbling into the air, trapped in a room with a bunch of loons. I’m still not used to the waving hands in the air and ritualized glossalalia and the crying. I feel like I’ve deeply failed somehow in not dealing with reality.

I’ve disappointed a good number of people. I told a friend of mine, and she said, “What, Roman Catholic?” and I said, “No. Martian Catholic.” “But nobody converts in!” she replied.

My alternate response: “No, I’m taping your reaction for a modern art project.”
Response: “Oh, thank God!”

Other reactions:
Friend: “A Bible? I’ll piss on a Bible!”
Mom’s coworker: “Your daughter’s Catholic? I thought she was too smart for that.”
My mother: “Why did you become Catholic instead of Christian? It’s not that I’m disappointed in your choice of religion, just that you gave up your freedom.”

My mother’s Buddhist/atheist. She enjoys “subtly” passing me religious pamphlets on how to become Buddhist. Catholicism to her is the religion of White People. She grew up in Macau, a Portuguese colony, and then Hong Kong, a British colony, where her family survived on church handouts. There’s a level of patronization and humiliation to the whole affair that I on some level used to feel, a feeling of loathing and oiliness I used to feel regarding missionaries, who have now (partially) morphed in my mind to heroic explorers and social activists.

I’ve changed political and ethnic identities somewhat. Politically, I used to be “moderate,” but supporting contraceptive use (a stance taken by around 90% of my generation) has suddenly made me an “extremist,” for example. I suddenly feel weird for expressing formerly rather mundane opinions. But I also feel continuity with 2,000 years of history. I feel that Latin is my language, and Augustine and Aquinas are my thinkers. I feel that the Church and all the angels and all the saints are behind me there massed, an invisible winged army.

I feel on some level that this broken, wondrous and imperfect faith is mine.

My religious sentiments cycle now between apathetic and effusive, depending on the time of the ecclesiastical year. During Christmas and Easter I could not love any more, and then I fall into doldrums in the summer. In the depths of sorrow between Palm Sunday and Good Friday, come those agonizing words, “Crucify him! Crucify him!” Those two words are probably the root of all antisemitism in the course of human history. This is an ideology that kills people. In the thousands, in the millions, so many bodies that if they were all in one place you wouldn’t have room to pile them and the smell would blister skin and boil lungs and peel paint from walls. This is an ideology that hoovers money and oppresses women and perverts human sexuality such that people feel driven in some blind animal way to molest small children.

O ye terrible arcane obtuse thing that’s in my head, get out! You ancient, ardent mystical frustrating beautiful incomprehensible glorious transcendent tyrant, get out! (Why do I love You?) Don’t say I never sacrificed anything for You! I’ve lost the ability to disbelieve, such that I can no longer even conceptualize the depth of what I’ve lost.

And yet... kissing the cool, dry wood at the foot of the cross on Good Friday, one forgets. One marvels at the greatness of such a gift given to one wholly undeserving. How we have wronged You, Lord. And the rest... for that time of tender sadness, awe and reverence, the rest is irrelevant.

What wondrous love is this, o my soul?

Dear Subway,

Your steak and cheese sandwich made my taste buds cry for justice. Your website claims it contains, "Hot steak, grilled onions and peppers, melted cheese and standard vegetables," but should be corrected to say, "contains failure."

1) "Hot steak" - The meat was taken from a bin and toasted to a lukewarm room temperature. Cheesesteak ingredients should be grilled on a well-oiled griddle, not getting a tan. This is as elementary as saying, "A pizza should be baked in an oven, not a microwave." If you're not going to grill a cheesesteak, don't call it a cheesesteak.

2) "Grilled onion and pepper" - The pepper and onion were raw, which is fine if I'm eating a salad, but I'm not. As a result (of that, and the lukewarm toasting), the steak was watery. Certain things are meant to be watery, like aloe, gruel, and the Florida Everglades. Sandwiches, not so much.

3) My friends have been saying, "You should know better than to order a cheesesteak at Subway," which, retrospectively, was good advice. Perhaps I shouldn't have had decent expectations, despite the steak and cheese picture displayed quite prominently on the menu. It still does your company a disservice when low expectations are proven correct. Having a reputation for doing something poorly does not justify doing it poorly.

I am disappointed. Your steak and cheese sandwich brings shame to its ancestors and should commit sandwich seppuku. Only then can its dishonor be atoned for.

(P.S. Much love to the customer service reps, who are the front line infantry against the seething masses of swarming, angry customers. You poor, poor, souls.)