Sometimes people are on a political spectrum so wild that one can only speculate. To the visible light reds and blues of the Democrats and Republicans, we can add the ultraviolet glow of Anarchy, the infrared of Communism, and the mind-destroying gamma radiation of Ass Crazy which makes you puke and die. Still others are on the political spectrum frequency that aliens use on people wearing tin foil hats.

Shining examples like a lighthouse in a storm, a fire in the forest, a redneck's tooth...

Ah, yes, Matt! Just to clear things up, Matt is awesome. Just not politically.

Over a series of AIM conversations I have been bludgeoned with a series of political views which are only marginally palatable through a curious paladinly combination of utter conviction and sordid charisma, usually of the "interesting anecotes" variety. Matt, you see, is from the monkey-with-cymbals school of politics: "Look at me, I have a cymbal, look at me, I have a cymbal, look at me, I have a cymbal, aren't I loud?" *clang clang clang clang clang* Yes, Matt is an Anarchist, which, for those of you laymen, is where the Libertarians send their crazy uncles to die.

I have not argued with him extensively on AIM, simply because I am bad at arguing. Bad. Seriously. However, just because I am not articulate does not mean my arguments are wrong. By this logic, since every knows that engineers have no speaking skills, they are wrong about everything. This. Is. Not. True.

However, on my blog, which I rule with an iron fist, I can rebuff and ridicule with impunity.

Example... (shining in the dark)... Matt is annoyed because the online political quiz places him as a "socialist." He is annoyed because he's an anarchist, and doesn't believe in the state. Well, that's fine, I say, but he can't be an anarchist who doesn't believe in the state and supports increased corporate regulation. If anarchy rules, corporations, which are just coalitions of the strong, will just do ... this is highly complex political terminology... "Whatever The Fuck They Want." If he strives to fight against corporate environmental exploitation with less government, he would do better by more clearly defining property rights so that corporations are directly accountable for what they pollute.

Response: "I don't believe in property."

..

You're an anarchist who doesn't believe in property?

"I think people should only be allowed to own what they can carry with them."

... so ok, people don't own anything themselves. Who owns things that can't be carried, like land, the mine, that table over there, that house? Oh, "everyone?" Who gets to use it then? "Everyone?" So you can take a crap on my sofa and I have to clean it up?

Holy shit, Sherlock, we have a word for that...socialism.

Provoking businessmen in the financial district is also silly. There's a small chance that you have made them realize the shallowness of their materialistic lives. Then they'll quit their jobs, run off to a commune or a cabin in the woods and grow hemp while beating on drums. In the meantime, those kids they'd been meaning to put in college with rising tuitions and their aging and ill parents that social security can't provide for and the spouse that's been laid off can go fuck off and die. ... Well, the larger chance by far is that you've just made someone's day marginally worse... worse not in a confrontational, thought-provoking, life-evaluating way, but worse in a, "Crazy hippie punk was yelling at me randomly in the middle of Baltimore" way. At least hoboes go away if you give them money.

Insulting the Riot Police is also a Bad Thing to Do. Now, The Man may command these police to taunt protestors in order to rile them up so they can arrest them, so insulting them is Just Desserts. I don't know. I agree that having police wail on protestors will also give you sympathetic press. Some. However, the "..and then they started hurling molatov cocktails and looting stores" press afterwards isn't worth it. People don't like protestors anyway because it blocks up traffic and creates trash, you don't have to get a reputation as "protestors that stir up violent conflict." It doesn't matter who started it, when people see protestors, they go, "Shit, it's them protestors again."

Neoclassical X-TREME!* : Life and Law in Angie-Land

When we hire "public defenders," we should really mean it. The job of the "public defender" is to strive manfully against the prosecutor in the bloody ring of gladiatorial combat, to the entertainment of the jury. (Refreshments will be served). The prosecutor will be armed with a gladius, a helmet, and arm protection, while the public defender will be armed with a net and trident, wearing only a loincloth and an anointment of olive oil over his gleaming body.

This serves two purposes:

1) The "public defender" will now actually have an incentive to, you know, defend, the poor and the weak.

2) It might then actually be fun to do jury duty.

3) Every other country can have their fruity columns, nice inscriptions about Justice, Reason and Enlightenment, and call themselves "neo-classical." We're the only country that's hardcore about it.

*sponsored by Mountainus Dewus. Do the Dew.