Been doing mass blog reading, with the feeling that maybe if I read people's blogs and comment I'll get to know them better. To make more friends, or, more accurately, to turn acquaintances into friends. This is something Nick, who doesn't read my blog because I'm an uninteresting person, doesn't realize about himself when he beats himself up- he is naturally good with people. I am not.

Finished Sims' blog, and it's strange reading a few months of her life in one day. It's very strange.. we are remarkably similiar, but I never got to know her all that well. I have the feeling that maybe if we were in the same grade or if I had made a better effort earlier, we might have ended up best of friends. But as it were.

Que sera sera.

This is the story of my life, so it's hardly a new thing.

I thought in middle school I'd be happy if I could just find a group in the cafeteria that wouldn't get pissed if I sat down with them.

Sometimes, (and when the subject comes up in my mind, all of the time), I think Nick is growing distant from me which is not frightening or surprising, but a little bit sad, because he's my best friend and doesn't know it. We hardly talk, and when we do talk there's not much to talk about. I know I'm not pretty or smart or very interesting or unique because somewhere else there's someone else who has everything I have but packaged in a sparklier way. I wonder what happened to our original group of friends, because it seems I can never spend time with people and be untouched by a distant sort of loneliness. Nick and Alex have newer, ever-expanding circles, Andrew is more social than ever, and even Puffy has his core of.. um.. mates. With me, I still rely on the same people, still talk to the same people. But they don't talk to me. I live in a snow globe and watch everyone else's life go by, and watch everyone drift into new affiliations and relationships overnight or over years (mostly over years), and watch Nick date various dark-haired girls whose names start with A.

I miss people. I don't get to talk to them.

I don't have classes with anybody, and it makes me lonely sometimes. People are always singing at lunch, and I'm not with them, and Nick and Rob and Puffy are always talking to other people.

I think socializing is a lot like puddles. Everyone has cocentric circles of friends around them, and is connected to everyone else, even people they aren't friends with, when the farthest-out rings overlap.

I'm taking personal offense at people not coming to the psych experiment. Wankers. I have friends, supposedly, so the least you could do if you're staying after school is drop by for 15 minutes.

As opposed to trying to spend those 15 minutes trying to figure out whether some shards are plastic or ceramics. Wankers. And DON'T say that you're going home and you can't come if you AREN'T going home and you're RIGHT NEXT DOOR for god's sake!

Bah.

Btw, Nick, thanks for the Discworld..