"How's your new job?"
Letter to my cousin, February 1st, 2010

HI!! It's been a while since I've talked to you.

My job is okay. In terms of practical matters, the hours are very good, and the office is in an old townhouse, so it feels cozy and not officey at all. There are six people, so it's not huge. I'm glad to have a job in general, which keeps me from dying of boredom, and my parents are happy for me. We can finally eat dinner and have a conversation like normal human beings, instead of it being an interrogation: "When are you getting a job?"..."Have you thought about asking at..?" "I know a certain person who says they could introduce you to...." "Well, X's daughter went to school for Y and now is doing Z..."

When I was in college, I was asked, "Are you getting a job for the summer?" and in high school it was, "Have you applied for college?" and in middle school it was, "Have you done your homework?" and in elementary school, it was, "Stop making so much noise, your mother is tired." So not to be told to do something, which has never occurred for as long as I can remember, is pleasant for a change.

It's nice to make my own money, too. Even though life is less fun, maybe Big Aunt can retire in the next century. Maybe I can buy a house, get married.... In the United States, everybody who is somebody "gets a house." It's part of that same vague, universal dream everybody has for their future. Everyone has the same dream, of a big house with a car and a tree, a nice kitchen for Sunday breakfasts and family dinners... etc. I daydream about it, but now it's a little closer to reality. It's frightening. It seems slightly unreal to me too, so I am taking it day by day, and setting small weekly goals. Last night, when I was lying in bed, in the twilight between wakefulness and sleep, it felt like I had dreamt up the last month, and it was actually Christmastime (there was snow on the ground, which created that feeling), and any minute I'd be waking up and opening my presents.

It's encouraging to be able to have some money to spend. I can donate to charity without having to feel like I'm begging my parents for it. I gave some money to the earthquake relief in Haiti, and that made me genuinely happier than spending it on myself. I go to concerts and shows now. It makes me feel like I'm a "patron of the arts," which was an aspiration of mine as a teenager. When I was young, I always pictured myself as one of those elegant, cultured, and beautiful people. Actually, I've discovered nowadays that only senior citizens and retirees generally go to those things. Oh well. Now as an adult, I'm enjoying myself, but I wonder if I wouldn't be just as happy with less going out, but more free time. It makes me a little fatalistic, like... "I never chose to grow up, it just kind of happened to me. What makes me happy hasn't changed, only the sort of things I'm expected to do about it."

At work, I'm to be helping people prepare their taxes, which in the U.S. are due April 15. That adds to the nature of the place where it feels more like I'm preparing for war. The hours are slowly getting longer and the work is beginning to pile up. (There's a saying that to cook a frog, you stick it in a pot of cold water and slowly warm the water up bit by bit, whereas if you try to throw it in hot water immediately, it hops out. I feel like the cold water frog.) I get the feeling that no matter how fast I learn, I'm not learning fast enough. I'm trying to not let that get to me. I can only do what I can and nothing more.

Another result of this seasonal nature is that I still perceive time like a student. I feel that these next few months are simply yet another semester, and that I'll be cramming for "finals." That's not the case, of course, but I try not to think too hard about the future. If I start to think about things like "am I going to do this for the rest of my life?" and "will this make me happy?" and "is this all there is to life?" then it gets a little overwhelming. I'm looking forward to Lent, actually. It seems like it will bring unifying purpose to my worries.

I had a dream about being in Hong Kong with you and Ming Tak and my Aunt. We were taking the cable car up the side of some green, forested mountains, and there was a garden filled with pavilions, small temples, pathways, and small arched bridges, all of gray polished stone. I asked about it, and somebody said, "Oh, it looks very old, but this place was built only a few years ago," and that's why I'd never been there. Even so, I thought it was quite a pleasant place.

That is what is happening to me. Sorry if it is long. I've been out of practice with writing letters.

Love,
Angie! (xiao bao: small bun)

Letter home, September 19, 2006

Hi Mom, how are you doing?

I've been doing ok back at school. Went scuba diving for the second time
and it was really fun, not as scary this time. We did some exercises where
we had to take off our gear underwater and put it back on, and also we
dropped our airtanks in the water, swam to the surface, and then dove down
to retrieve them again. In the last exercise we had to dive and breathe
from a tank underwater, swim to the next tank and breathe from that, and
swim to the next tank, before coming up again. I inhaled a lot of
chlorine. I was a bit anxious about being underwater without an air tank,
but it was okay, and I'm glad I know how to do it in case an emergency
arises. I think I could handle myself fairly well on a normal,
non-emergency scuba trip.

Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is a holiday made up on the
internet, and occurs every September 19th. So far I am the only one at
school dressed up like a pirate, but some other people at least know what
I'm doing. Every one else is trying to avoid eye contact with me.

Me and Jeremy are starting on assembling our Halloween costumes. The years
previous we have always been very last-minute about it, so we figure now
is a good time to start.

That is it so far. The first round of midterms are rolling around,

See you sometime,
Angie

(Letter to my mom after campus move-in, senior year)

Hello,

I've been ok here. Something of a shock to be living with and around a lot
of people constantly when I was pretty much by myself back home. It's
actually kind of exhausting. I put up some posters after you left but the
apartment is still pretty empty-looking. So far one of the textbooks I
ordered online has arrived, so I've returned the one I bought at the
campus bookstore. I am still waiting on the other.

I have been making an effort to eat breakfast. So far it is going pretty
well. A new eating place opened in the Commons which serves
Mediterranean-ish food, to replace the old fried chicken place which I
never went to. I haven't actually eaten there yet though, because anything
that looks good enough to eat is too expensive for my meal plan. I had a
delicious shepherd's pie on Friday at a frat barbecue. Everyone on campus
is sick of me telling them about how good it was. So now I only have to
say, "Did I tell you about the shepherd's pie I had on Friday-" and
everyone starts to groan. But it really was delicious, so I feel I should
tell you too.

School got closed in the afternoon on Friday because a water main broke,
maybe due to all the rain, and flooded Wilkens Avenue. I hope Dad is
feeling happier now that he no longer has to water the grass, because
before I left he'd been waiting for it to rain for like two weeks. I went
to Patapsco State Park with Jeremy on Monday to hike around the nature
trails. I went wading in the river and he taught me how to skip rocks, but
we had to leave because it started raining (and also, honestly, because I
got tired and he got hungry). It's actually been raining hard here all
day. It got so swamped that I saw a plumbing truck come by to pump water
off the walkways. Some of my books got pretty wet and now the edges of one
book's pages is bright pink from my notebook's dye. Oh well, it's still
readable.

First day of scuba was on Sunday, but we don't go into the water until
next week. On the first day we will be diving in the lap pool but on the
second day we will be diving in the diving well.

So that is what I have been up to.

Say congratulations to Uncle Jim for me,

Angie

(E-mail to Steve aka Theodrek: December 2nd, 2005)

Hey Steve, I had a dream about you last night. It was really weird; there
were like tattoos all over your face, and you were on fire. It was pretty
badass.

Anyway, how was your Thanksgiving? It snowed for the first time this year
on Thanksgiving night, but it all melted by morning. My holiday was pretty
boring; I went home and basically spent like the whole four days trying to
put together a 900 piece jigsaw puzzle. I still haven't finished. I got to
see my nephew Nathan again- he's two, and he's starting to talk, though
not anything coherent. According to my roommate it snowed again this
morning too, but I missed it.

My apartment is all Christmas decorated now. It's pretty sweet. We
actually still have like this foam skeleton from Halloween hanging from a
noose. We can tell everyone it's Jesus rising from the dead..

(Dang, wrong holiday) Oh well.

Catch ya later,

-Angie